I dare you to catch razor butterflies

Seven Twenty Six

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I'm lounging at home 'cause school hurts me & my mom needs me.

Besides the fact that my nose bled yesterday after 4-ish years and that i broke down in front of the idol everyone sucks up to, everything was a-ok.

Considering the fact that my head started throbbing and my ears flushed with intense heat while i tried my best not to stutter and cry for being so insulted by someone i have lost all respect for.

And to the so called A05 (literature) clique, thanks. I have never been humiliated, insulted and blamed for so many things in my life. I've managed to ace Project Work and the many other group works i've been assigned, but when it came to this, you guys majorly fucked it up. Trust me, I'll try not to bear grudges but most probably it's an empty promise. Things will never be the same. I'm in no mood to be matured about it. Inconslable? Fuck yes. If you guys know how much i've been suffering all these weeks with the added burden of one of you being a complete backstabber, you wouldn't even look at me.

I'm more then ever convinced that i have a brain tumour.
Throbbing jabs in my left brain + nose bleed = tumour?

caught a razor butterfly at - 7:25 AM |

Monday, August 20, 2007

So much for today being the first day of the rest of my life.

You guys played the game too well. I'm struck out. Thanks.
And sorry. You guys have lost my trust.

Once again, the term " you guys " is collective and subjective. If you think you fall under the category of " you guys ", then join me in the countdown till the days we never cross paths.

The thought of pure vodkha sounds so welcoming.

I live to let you shine.

caught a razor butterfly at - 8:35 PM |

Camaraderie My Foot!

Friday, August 17, 2007

When the infallible in your life happen to take a step that centers on the cracks of the human spirit, you know something is amiss.

Mother says she told me first 'cause I'm the stronger one. It's laughable how my left brain protests to the ticking of my heart. I'm institutionalised in Teck Whye Lane. Somehow I want to scream to the world about my plight but at the same time, i know around me, the environment will feign interest.

Cloud cover seems persistent and the horoscope on Sunday was right.

"Problems in school, seek the truth yada-yada-yada."

Damage report:
Alphabet Soup isn't talking to me ( thank god )
Gay Poser Teacher is as usual being Fucked Up (anally i suppose)
Never going to believe in camaraderie besides those from my inner circle.
My legs hurt from running to school often to scrape through the rusty gates

And the only reason why I've yet to end my life (and believe me i have had countless images of my funeral and death sequences etc. in my head) is because i know someday this hurt will all numb me. I would have the capabilities and abilities to maybe reciprocate all this eventually. Or maybe i could smile and laugh, in normalcy.

caught a razor butterfly at - 11:19 PM |

Monday, Practically Tuesday

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I found this the most amusing part of my weekend:

Haziq: Jaey, I think I'm falling in love!
Jaey : Chey, with who? N*** or J*** ?
Haziq: Nope, myself and you !

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the best damn friggin' amusing thing that made me chuckle each time i recite it in my head. And that Shaminah has to hint that me and Haziq might get together. After 6 years of friendship, you just get the vibes that such a thing won't happen. Indeed, i can't wait for our bachelor pad days in the coming future.

And my motto for the rest of the year is officially:

I Gave Up On School, Now I'm Cool.

My dream for this term is to be kicked out of General Paper lessons 'cause it's a waste of my time. I rather spent that time either being a pseudo social butterfly, eating my heart out or plainly snooping around in the library. I'm pretty sure I'm on my way to disaster. Disastrous success that is.

And i just realised the tone in this entry is so alike the tone of the real me that you would meet each day trying to be emo at Teck Whye Lane. How lame.

Slips ons.

caught a razor butterfly at - 12:47 AM |

Big Needles, Buffed Bods and A Friend

Saturday, August 04, 2007

And i would like to make this the soundtrack of my life. The medley where you play the french horn and clarinet while i blast away on my Tuba, never looking at the conductor because it's our song, not theirs. They won't know what it means, however they'll know when to judge.

I saw a very big needle pierce through my vein today. I never cried, I couldn't pee into a plastic bottle and stood behind a PJ rugger. Toilets are the place where all men converge only to have a chat with their little friends, waiting for the stream of consciousness to sent a shiver. I enjoy bus rides with the chocolate muffin eater, he tells the best stories and asks the best questions.

"What if you became gay?"
" I think your mum would break down."

We have the same odd behaviourial misconceptions, same taste buds, same language, same proximity.

I think i want to buy a toy camera and take a picture of my mother and paste it in my journal. I want her face to remind me why I'm in college and why I'm trying my best to succeed. Whenever I'd feel lonely in school i would talk to her and see her smile. I want to know that it's okay to feel insecure at times, 'cause it shows that we are humane individuals. I want to feel less angsty and share life with another.

Sometimes i wonder when i would die and said "What if it's tomorrow, Haziq? "

"Going out later? With who?"
"Alone"
"No friends?"
"(not really)"

For someone so brave, you seem so quiet.
I want to experiment with myself. Let hate cut my spleen out and let pulsations blast my heart into a million red fibers. I want you to put a surgical mask on, scalpel ready create an incision on my head. You know which nerve cells would ruin me. You know which neurons and synapses would allow me to be yours.

What if it really happened tomorrow?

caught a razor butterfly at - 2:17 PM |

School is Cool

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

School is still a fucking waste of my emotions. I still hate the class and still despise the interactions i have with Mr. Alphabet Soup.

Mother's advice was and has always been to not trust anyone but family.
I'm desensitized and jaded. 89 more days to the beginning of my escape from Singapore and the fucking twits & twats that inhabit this place.

Can't even articulate & enunciate simple English words, yet they want to make baseless judgments.
I feel like skipping school again.

Hate my emotions, they distract me from my goals. Then comes the yearning for a touch and bus rides.
I'm very turbulent. No study of atmospheric processes would allow you to define and name me.
The hand doesn't respond to my chemical signals.

They say stem cells are totipotent. They have the potential to cure anything.
Nothing can cure homosexuality discrimination - maybe genocide would do.

I wonder why people deem 'fuck' a bad word. Four letters? Means sex? So?
I've met gazillion people who don't use the word fuck yet carry black hearts. They are the bad ones.

So...

Fuck the world. Live Merry and Boot-Lick. The worthless always make it in Singapore. Or maybe this is only relevant to PJC?

caught a razor butterfly at - 11:26 PM |